‘America’s best, quickest answer to evil foes,” he says, “simply give me an eight-year term.’
A besieged president, stung with scary red state poll numbers, unveils his slam-dunk fix to save America from “thugs and traitors” who “not only want me out, but tarred and feathered, too.” The president this weekend on FIX revealed his Hail Mary ploy to avoid getting swamped by the deep state swamp. “For me, the solution is so, so easy,” he opined, “So easy. Just award the best president since Lincoln an eight-year term. That’s it, easier and quicker than all the fake Russian, Ukrainian and impeachment hoaxes put together.”
Trump says doing it is a snap: “Just have Barr and McConnell and Pence do the fix. Pence would still be VP, showing that I reward unbelievable loyalty, even when I misspeak. How hard can getting four more years be compared to never-ending Senate charades for mere Supreme Court nominations? Can changing a 4 to an 8 take more time than another flagrant Pelosi scandal?
“I’m already here so think of the moving costs savings. A penny saved . . . Is this the time to start letting Constitutional trivialities get in my way? I am the status quo disrupter, after all. How stupid would America be to swap the greatest of horses in the middle of the pond? Did PT Barnum say that? Or Roger Stone? Or was it “middle of a river,” or maybe a horse’s ass? No matter.”
On a roll, the president explained, “Just renew my contract, like house or car insurance. So many big problems get solved, instantly. Like this year’s rigged election, already worse than the first go-round. I am always about “keeping America from getting ripped off again.” KAFGROA? Nah, too long, hard to pronounce. The swamp never got over my miraculous rout, and now they’re gunning for bear. Do swamps have bears?”
Just do it
“Four more years would be the perfect monument to add to the amazing achievements on my watch. Never has one president done so much for one president. Just pass a bill or amend something – whatever it takes to drain the election. Say, what about “Make Elections Fair Again” – MEFA? Even better than the MAGA motto I personally created. Better than “Make America Grin and Bear it.” Bears, again? Who says your majesty never makes jokes?”
Riding this train of thought, the Disrupter-in-chief continued: “Follow me here. We know nasties are out to get me like never before. They’d do anything, like that mail-in ballot fraud stuff, corrupts elections more than ever. If everyone voted, Republicans would be toast. It’s not like there’s real competition. The Biden? Give me a break, a lightweight reject who failed all 16 times he ran for president. I ran only once and look at me, look who’s on top. Just like Ukraine, the perfect call.”
“Didn’t Lincoln win two terms — and you can’t blame him for not finishing. He faced impossible odds, did radical things, far worse than building a wall. Like banishing habeas corpus, then came that earthquake Emancipation Proclamation. That’s when Lincoln emancipated black slaves so they could travel and proclaim freely. Otherwise, they’d still be stuck on plantations! Like somo many are stuck at home today, all because of that overblown pandemic scare. Anyway, travel allowed all those darkies to come north, moving into urban ghettos, like instantly. Everyone knows when blacks move into a neighborhood, property values dive. That’s why Mar a Lago is so special. “Don’t swap horses in the middle of a lago,” take that, humor police.”
After a moment looking dazed, Trump ran on, “So, back to Trump-hating swamp dwellers, in cahoots with do-nothing Democrats, what my billionaire phone buddies call socialists, every one. Such unAmericanism must be met with force, like that famous white southerner said, ‘By any means necessary.’ Or was that Frederick Douglass, the guy who just died.”
Finally the campaign finale rumbled in: “Foes of legitimate elections are on the march and in the streets. Only a legitimate election counts, right? Like the one my favorite College gave me overwhelmingly. If an election isn’t legitimate, then it’s illegitimate. Just like too much disease testing, a bad election means “too many votes,” made by too many wrong people voting for too many losers who deserve indictments, not comfy high office.
“Look, we live in radical times that irritate men’s souls, certainly frustrate the hell out of me. I am deluged, with unsolvable pandemics, a tad beyond my business genius. And all those fake news unemployment surges, also not my fault. On top of which, thugs are protesting and shaking fists and ridiculing my government. All in all, the worst time to promote a crooked, sleepy Democrat who doesn’t know what day it is. Biden to a tee. The choice is simple: cancel the election, avoid the mayhem, and count the instant profits: no need for mail-in ballots and those millions of illegals voting more often than our dirty tricksters. Really, what do we all have to lose? Hell, we give lowly Supreme Court Justices tenure for life.”
Good enough for Putin
“And by the way, we’re hardly the first important country to figure this out. Efficiently-run countries all over let their leaders stay on and on. Look at my pal Putin. After two decades with nearly total control, the people still can’t get enough of him. He’s such a great, selfless leader he agrees to stay on, just like me. And all Vlad had to do is a single referendum, get his sober rustic troops (hold that vodka) to adjust rules and he’s good to go. I mean, good to stay forever. Such dominance warms the cockles of my heart – and am I loaded with cockles or what?
“Sure, there’ll be petty nitpickers who whine about this or that technicality. But that’s just noise and not one got as many Electoral College votes as me. Resist elitism. Take back our country. There is a higher reason God, real Americans and the Electoral College pulled the upset of all time. Honor is due and time to Make Elections Fair Again. MEFA! Won’t be any harder than building that friggin’ wall.”
“Just do this one small thing, and I promise life will be good again. No more pandemics, no more racism, no more poverty. Guaranteed. Keep it simple: Trump today, Trump tomorrow, Trump forever. Can’t recall which Founder said that. But imagine: a unique double daily double, that’s my ticket to Mount Rushmore – a memorial to a president in stone after death – or until the waters really rise.”