FAQs for anti-maskers and anti-vaxxers

The following is satire that is, however, based on actual anti-masker and anti-vaxxer arguments and memes.

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The following is satire that is, however, based on actual anti-masker and anti-vaxxer arguments and memes. The fact that this clarification is included speaks to the insanity that pervades our current public discourse. 

Would Jesus wear a mask?

Definitely not. As a healer, he would have been interested in spreading the disease so that more people would pray to his father. Not Joseph. God. But since Joseph was a carpenter the rise in demand for coffins would have profited the family business and that’s another reason Jesus would not have worn a mask. And finally, as a man supremely wise, he would have recognized that leprosy and spinal condiitons, which he was asked to heal, were really hoaxes and fake news spread by liberal political reformers to make the Romans look bad.

Does government have the right to tell me not to breathe?

Definitely. Already government requires you to have a license to drive a car. It levies tyrannical taxes on you so that you will have smooth highways to drive your cars on. It even posts commands in the form of so-called “traffic” signs and lights that tell you when you have to stop driving and when you can start up again. The government also demands that doctors and nurses, whose job it is to keep us breathing, have to spend years learning SCIENCE in liberal UNIVERSITIES before they can even help us. So yes, it is clear that government has the right to tell you not to breathe and therefore wants you to wear masks, which have been shown to prevent you from breathing.

If you tell me to wear a mask so you won’t get sick, isn’t that the same as telling me to start jogging to help you lose weight? [Yes, I have seen this posted as if it were the definitive argument against wearing masks].

Yes. It is exactly the same as you jogging to help me lose weight. Your right not to wear a mask is equal to your right to give me a potentially fatal disease. For instance, if you’ve got a big date and you’re afraid the mask makes you look like a lib-loser turn-off and so you head home earlier than planned and you’re hit by a car, then obviously my demand that you wear a mask is as dangerous to you as you not wearing a mask is to me. Now if you go jogging it is very likely I will lose weight as I will be so worried that you are jogging for my sake that I’ll forget to eat and I’ll wind up losing weight. So yes, they are exactly the same.

I support the KuKluxKlan and also believe that wearing a mask violates my First Amendment rights to freedom of expression. Am I contradicting myself?

Of course not. When you wear a hood at Klan functions, you are fully expressing yourself by proclaiming openly that you are a self-loathing racist who is so pathetic you think that your pigmentation somehow elevates you above the 90% of the world whose dermis contains more melanin than yours despite the fact that genetic tests indicate you very likely have African-, Native-, or Latino-American genes in your DNA. The Klan hood is also a statement that you are fully in accord with the violent acts and lynchings performed by the Klan throughout its history. Similarly, by not wearing a mask, you are expressing yourself by saying “I don’t believe in science. I trust the word of our chosen one, Donald Trump, no-nothing veteran of numerous sexual assaults and innumerable ethics violations, over hundreds of thousands of medical personnel. I am an American and if I infect a bunch of folks by being an American, well, that’s the price of freedom.” So I would say you are being wholly consistent in your approach to life and to masks.

Have vaccines ever been shown to prevent even one single case of a disease?

No. Vaccines have never been shown to prevent a single case of disease. Liberals and scientists may claim they do but what they don’t tell you is that it is impossible to prove that vaccines prevent disease because if you get vaccinated and don’t get the disease, you might not have gotten sick if you didn’t get the vaccine. Ha! It’s so simple no wonder all those over-educated elitists never thought of that. 

The rumor that vaccines do prevent disease is due to one very simple fact: COINCIDENCE! If you look at diseases like smallpox, polio, measles, yellow fever, whooping cough, tetanus, diptheria, cholera, typhus, and influenza, all of them were just about to go away anyway right when vaccines were invented! It had nothing to do with the vaccines. And just because people who get rabies shots don’t die of rabies while rabies is fatal in 99.9% of cases where people don’t receive the shots, that’s only because…like, because…So no, because how do you know they wouldn’t have gotten better anyway?

Doesn’t the fact that some vaccines did have side effects mean that all vaccines are poisonous?

Yes. And, as the president’s new COVID-19 advisor has stated, [warning: the rest of this paragraph is not satire, it is all true] SCIENTISTS are working on a new vaccine to prevent people from becoming religious. She also believes gynecological problems are caused by women having sex with demons; space alien DNA is being used in some medicines; and hydroxychloroquine is a cure for the pandemic so no one needs to wear masks. 

Now here’s a secret about “pro-SCIENCE” people and how they distort the facts. When they have questions about side effects of different medicines, including vaccines, they look up all sorts of articles about medicine to find out what causes those side effects. For instance, if babies once got seizures from the DPT vaccine, they look to see how serious the seizures were, if the cause has been determined, and if the problem was fixed. Was it the high fevers that often went unattended and that, once reduced by Tylenol, no longer cause seizures? What were the mortality rates from those diseases before and after the vaccine era?

Now that you know what “SCIENCE-lovers” do, you can answer all their “research-based” arguments. Simply read web sites that claim that vaccines are a plot by the government, medical establishment, and liberal press to control our behavior. If these sites are wrong, would there be so many on the Web? In fact, you can help spread the truth by donating to our own sites, NoVax_NoFacts.com and SendBucks_GoodLuck.net to help us fight the war against atheistic SCIENCE.

If you are concerned about other important issues, donate to our flat earth website (here-come-old-flat-top.urth); our global warming myth site (you-dont-need-a-weatherman.duh), and our site that reveals the gay demon conspiracy to kidnap American husbands and turn them gay in underground laboratories hidden beneath our national parks (gay-demon-labs.zogov). And be sure to look for our latest podcast, “Was World War II Fake News?” And here’s something to try out the next time you meet a “SCIENTIST”. Just ask them: if the earth were really round, why don’t people on the bottom fall into space?

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Barton Kunstler
Barton Kunstler, Ph.D., writes about creativity, social justice, education, technology, and leadership. His book, The Hothouse Effect, describes the dynamics behind history's most creative communities. Other published work includes poetry, numerous academic articles, and fiction. His monograph for the Office of the Director of National Intelligence addresses leadership's future in light of the human singularity. He writes for www.huffingtonpost.com and his writings, including a column on communication strategy, appear at www.bartonkunstler.com. He can be reached at barleeku@comcast.net.

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