If Trumpism descends to grisly entertainment, why not hangings, guillotines, hungry lions, even burning at the stake?

Come on, guys, mundane firearms smack of mafia hit jobs, gang shootings, serial ambushers, ICE thugs or fascist spectacles.

Cynics quip MAGA Trump is thinking small when boosting the most sadistic way to shock the most voters for the least effort? Why should the electrifying spectacle of public executions be limited to televising sharpshooters plugging a disgraced earthling? Though more reliable than failed injections, per last week’s Tennessee fiasco, when is gunfire wholly reliable? And there’s all that blood and guts to clean up – plus heavy guilt, even therapy when soldiers deal with killing helpless, wheelchair-bound civilians in cold blood.

The ferocious blowback dramatizes how civilized moderns consider firing squads “medieval” (though accurate rifles weren’t born yet) and “barbaric,” smacking of voyeuristic, fascist-style death-dealing. Gosh, what about other brutal formats, like throwing people out of windows (if visibility matters) or tossing them from planes (when anonymity is preferred)? Really, unlike the cleanliness of electrocution, why not even nastier, well-tested nightmares like hanging, guillotines or burning at the stake? Poisons appeal to old-world cultures, though Russkies of late find them as iffy as bullets.

Methods more predictable than guns

Now, no one survives a topnotch, sanctioned hanging or gory guillotine – as gravity (and time) are far more reliable than airborne lead. Worse still, firing squads mandate certified sharpshooters – and one only wonders what annoying government regulations or military standards apply. On point, instead of shooting ne’er-do-wells, soldiers could be shooting declared public enemies in Iran or Canada, the undocumented, dissenters who defy using “super-intelligence” (vs AI) or inexhaustible targets of the Rager-in-chief.

Of course, lynching plus torture has worked, killing thousands of “uppity” blacks since the Civil War. Problem was, lynching was criminal murder, exiled to backwoods at night by hooded amateurs, all of which lack the professional touch. But lynching required no body disposal complications since the whole idea is to broadcast racial intimidation. Considering MAGA’s identification with the Lost Cause Confederacy, such off-grid options must appeal to some, saving costs on public indictments, trials and punishments.

Why logically exclude the swift surety of a guillotine? Even with rusty, blunted blades, how often did that massive cleaver not do the job the first time out – and made writing a death certificate a snap. Then of course, old-style brutes mounted the decapitated heads on poles to show off their power. Likewise, stoning can serve as a unifying community activity, with Biblical precedents, joining other low-cost options like window tossing. When enough stones make a big enough pile, internment needs no mortician niceties.

When do stupid cruelties boomerang?

So, the obvious question: why are dullard MAGA Hegsethers stuck with their he-man, “guns and glory” messaging when there are far simpler, more gruesome and trustworthy methods. Capable of surviving lethal drugs, the human body can take enormous damage and still keep going. As usual, the MAGA crowd goes for the tackiest, most mundane, most knee-jerk of political mayhem.

Gut instinct is just not that reliable when history offers juicier, more theatrical means of ending lives. Of course, to use a guillotine, or a hanging platform, that requires construction and that means getting funds not otherwise authorized, which in turn mandates hated Congressional interference, open discussion, approval, alteration, then an open vote – without which the ever law-abiding Trump would never proceed.

If a firing squad stunt is a measure of the Hegseth or Trump way, that’s no more persuasive than using high-priced violence in Iran – and end up looking like losers. Is MAGA Trump working overtime to lose votes before the Midterm, because stupidities are non-stop, from denying life-saving measles vaccines, firing competent generals for not being macho enough (or the right color, creed or religion), and shredding key emergency government services before a dreadful hurricane hits.

This fiesta of folly also qualifies as barbaric death-dealing, on par with bombing unindicted civilians in fishing boats off Venezuela. Has anyone demonstrated that America is safer or better off or has fewer drugs by executing innocents on the open seas with missiles? Really, what’s next: sending more arms so that Israel can commit more atrocities, surpassing terrorist violence on the other side? Oh, that’s already happened.

Really, if public humiliation of bad guys is the goal, why not reinstall pillory stocks wherein criminals are shamed, historically targets for thrown garbage or physical abuse; leave evil-doers in stocks up long enough and no firing squad is needed. Another outdated penalty was the “dunking stool,” especially applicable for witch-like “Dumocrats” (no “b” included for that would be Dumbocrats) or a “scold’s bridle” for irresponsible (women) journalists with loaded questions as the obsolete iron mask prohibited speaking.

MAGA insularity and tin-ear ignorance strike again

Yes, one must hand it to earlier ages for their innovations, diversity and inspired perversity. Talking of medieval ingenuity, let’s not forget whipping and flogging (and you don’t need a squad unless mortality is the aim), branding criminals with hot irons (now that’s permanent hurt) or for “lesser crimes,” mutilation, wherein noses or ears, even hands, were sliced off, variations on the “mark the disgraced forever” mindset. So much for humane goals of rehabilitation after paying your debt to society.

Finally, one fabled, even fitting MAGA punishment option is the Trial by Ordeal as it needs no trial or judge and covers lots of stuff beyond laws or courts. That would fit Trump’s vindictive slugfests perfectly. Also with Biblical reference, Trial by Ordeal was typically used to test witches or women accused of adultery; whether tied up or not, the accused were tossed onto water to see if they would float (thus innocent) or sink (guilty, instantly punished by higher powers). Ordeal by Trial also surfaced for testing priests accused of sins like perjury. The accused would face the altar and pray for God to choke him if he lied. There are no reports of any divine fatalities. Now, does that denial/escape ploy sound inescapably Trumpian or what?

All in all, falling back on firing squads without considering the pluses and minuses, especially cost, of tested historic options seem a tad “insular,” even suggesting that depraved top officials know nothing of history. Or law, morality or justice – or what defines “cruel and unusual punishment,” thresholds precisely forbidden in our own judicial documents. But that would require knowledge of, if not respect for our country’s laws and values – no such luck. Ready! Aim! Fire! with the latest stunt politics.