Satire alert! The following Tweets were scavenged from the zeitgeist by Russian hackers who gained access to Donald Trump’s shadow Tweeter. Any resemblance to Tweets or thoughts perpetrated by any actual person in the 4 dimensional universe is strictly coincidental.
Donald here. Can’t believe still stuck with Obamacare! Bad plan. Record 2017 enrollment. My plan would knock at least 12 million off rolls. 4.4 million kids—bumped!
Crazy Tea Partiers wanted everything off table. Turncoat Repubs scared of their own voters. I just wanted a much worse plan. Why? I don’t even remember. Sounded good.
Love Putin! No abs tho. I have world’s best abs. The best! You’ve never seen such abs. Ask Melania! Ask Ivanka! She’ll tell you. Great abs!
Bannon busting balls again. Says all Jews immigrants. Round ‘em up. I said what about Kushner? Says good Jews ok. Likes Bibi because Bibi hates Arabs. Whew! Tough job!
Gorka. Bannon’s guy. Ties with Nazi group? I hate Nazis. No one hates Nazis more than Donald Trump. Lying press says Gorka lied on immigration papers.
Daily briefing now! Hate it! Bo-o-ring. Let Rex deal with South China Sea. Who cares if China claims it? Kushners just closed big—BIG—deal with China! Huge!
Should I raise membership at Mar-a-Lago? Doubled it to $200K after election. Double again? Love being president! People pay just to meet me! Hillary in jail yet?
Merkel the pickle. Funny! Didn’t shake hands. Should of grabbed her you know what! They all love it if you’re rich. Even Merkel. Can’t wait to see Theresa May!
Cut lots’ve bad federal stuff! Feels great! Results fantastic. No cheap school lunches. Hungry vets no longer taxpayer drag. Elderly will “exit” sooner. Save $$$!
Gotta list my budget cuts! Environmental Protection—slash 31%! Diplomacy and foreign aid—29%! Water and sewage system upkeep. Everything to do with climate change!
Keep going! On a roll! Job training programs! Mammogram scans! Birth control! 20% from Justice Dept. Dumb culture stuff: Arts, Humanities.
Energy Assitance! National Institutes of Health—18%. So what if worst bird flu outbreak in history going on in China! Cuts to Center for Disease Control.
How’s this one air travelers? Privatize air traffic control! Cut Amtrak subsidies. All federal support for railroads. Cut air service to rural airports! What a rush!
Hit 140 on nose last Tweet! Let’s see Brady do that! 5 Superbowls, only 5 Time Mag covers. I’ve been on cover of Time 100s of times. New world record. The most!
Liberal enemies whining about kids at border separated from parents. Compassion blah blah. I don’t hate Mexies, I just don’t care. Not real white Christians anyway!
Woke up 4 a.m. Dreamt I was dying of thirst on Mexican border. Big wall blocking me from Rio Grande. No bottom in water bucket at well. Vultures circling.
More money for military! $52 Billion. Take money wasted on kids, elderly, single moms, uninsured, vets. Bombers! Carriers! Kick ass! FIght China? Bomb N. Korea?
I said oil is “Tea for the Tillerson”. Rex laughed. Great Secretary of State! Great joke. Funnier than ratings loser Arnold.
Vlad says I better finish term. Says I owe him! Russian money keeping Trump Empire afloat. So what? My friends in Qatar will step in. Everyone loves the pres!
Forbes just dropped me 220 places on billionaires list. Liars! I’m still the best! Over 1,000 billionaires in world, worth more than bottom 4 billion!
Hey, B-aires worth even more! Six trillion in hidden accounts. We own the world. Run the newspapers. Run the networks. The economies. Energy. Pres in middle of it all!
Couldn’t sleep last night. Nothing new. Spent two hours in front of mirror telling Donald how great he is, what a tiger. The real Greatest! Not like loser Muslim Ali!
Vlad just offered me Estonia and a country to be named later for Cuba. Turn Hotel Nacional into Trump Havana. Sprinkle mojitos with gold dust. Classy!
If Cubans don’t like it, have Erik Prince send Blackwater or X or whatever he calls it now. Betsy de Vos bro is my bro! My own private army—at my command! Erik a hoot!
Ivanka worried about environment. I said princess, don’t worry. Daddy won’t listen to science liars who say it’s dying. Environment under Trump is healthiest ever!
Bannon says Ryan has lean and hungry look. Watch him.
Got on Net after night of tossing, turning. People losing medication, life-saving treatments if Obamacare gone. I saved them! My plan failed! I’m the hero!
Ivanka worried cancer screening for women cut when I defund Planned Parenthood. I said princess, don’t worry, it’s a gift to Congress. They love doing stuff like that.
Bannon says Ryan has lean and hungry look. Where’d he get that line? Says beware Rex and oil men. Vlad sent message. Wants to know about lifting sanctions.
Rubio soft boy in schoolyard. McConnell old weirdo behind glasses. Pence just grins. Dreamt I was in Rome. Hate it. Old broken buildings. Vultures circling Capitol.
Briefing said Russia building oil network with India, China, Qatar. Vlad won’t need me anymore. Turkey working with Russia in Syria. Something about Kurds in way.
3 a.m. Couldn’t sleep. Looked in mirror. Saw my father. Grabbed me like he used to grab tenants late on rent. You’re the tiger he yelled. And Rule #1: no black tenants!
Iran and Turkey clashing in Syria. What if we let Bibi bomb Iran? Bibi happy, Vlad upset. Heard how Russians like to poison enemies. Gotta hire one of those taster guys.
Asked the mirror. Who’s the greatest of them all? No reply. False mirror. Get new mirror.
Dreamt all the people who voted for me zombies on White House lawn. Starving. No money because we turned Social Security & Medicare $ over to corps. All about the $$$!
Is this what I wanted? Was it ever what I wanted? Asked the new mirror. Delivered by Bannon straight from Breitbart hqs. Mirror didn’t speak. Can I trust Bannon?
Dream. Big wall. Can’t see top. All alone in desert. Pounding on wall. Let me through! I’m worth more than whole world put together! No answer. Man comes up to me.
Gotta finish telling dream. Man says his name El Coyote. Can bring me through wall for a fee. No money in my pockets! He laughs. Disappears. Vultures flying lower now.
Bannon says don’t worry about dream. Vultures=immigrants mad at me over round-ups. He’s right! Build the wall. Ordered alternative mirror from Ikea. Love Bannon!
China-Russia-Arabs want out of dollar-based oil, banking. Gold-based currency. Sick! Markets will crash. Bannon at National Security Council said means war.
Bannon gone! Just disappeared! Ryan’s in waiting room with Pence. Ivanka and Jared held up in traffic. Vlad won’t answer calls! This is no dream! This is really…