New York, June 7: President Trump is renowned for sticking to his guns and never apologizing, the rock-solid genius who nails every crisis with the same reactive media hammer. That take-no-prisoners nonchalance was on display last night on FUX News, as the president expressed bafflement his shock-jock tactics surprised anyone. Interviewed by Brawn N. Sannity, President Trump wondered why nay-saying haters, even in his own party, act like his norm-busting bravado is new.
“What’s with the phony shock?” demanded the president, “Or loser, disloyal generals? When didn’t I bash all agitators with shock and awe? When thuggish rioters rule the street, you call in the military or prison riot commandos, which I did. Good message for the campaign, too. Double-down domination and we win.”
He went on, “We’ve got vicious dogs terrorizing major cities – ruining stores I ordered open for business right now. Why have command over armed forces and federal marshals, tear gas and booming helicopters, if not to quell mass insurgency? Know the difference between terrorists decoyed as protesters vs. inmates? Not all are in jail yet. My perfect gut instinct says make the harsh penalty fit the anti-American crime. Why else would I tell police to knock heads? Sure, pack grenades and chemical spray. Who cares if wimps say it’s a banned war weapon? Never forget who’s in charge. Hell, if I knew what habeas corpus meant, I’d suspender that, too.”
“I forgot who said, ‘use the army you have,’ So I jailed illegals and put kids in cages. These looters remind me and my CEO buddies of Mexicans: bringing drugs, bringing crime, bringing gangs. Imagine outlaws daring to block my roads or access to my golf courses, even my emoluments, whatever they are. I’m doing a public service: looters invite shooters.”
Sannity then asked the president about racial equality. “Well, I think it’s great thanks to me. Perfect, like that Ukrainian phone call. When was there evermore freedom for poor people to serve rich people, just like the good old days? Nobody’s ever done more to the black community top to bottom than what I’ve done. Look at all those new jobs. Keeps them off the streets.”
“How can someone without a racist bone dislike blacks? Sure, fear of bad Negroes put me in the White House. But I know so many good Negroes and they don’t want riots in their front yards any more than me. How about law-abiding Mexicans who clean up disgusting stuff at my resorts white guys wouldn’t touch? Hey, I can’t stand lots of white people too, especially pro-impeachment haters. So I like dominant white people who like dominant white people, many serving in the police. It’s human nature and disloyal not to stand with your own people.”
Shifting to America having to clean up the “Chinese” pandemic mess, Sannity asked why they went after the U.S., causing our world-breaking death rate. “Ask my tricky friends in China,” Trump snapped, “and why some bad, bad virus experiment conveniently went awry. The insecure have to cheat against their betters. China must have figured this modest little flu would take us down – not that it ever did. Eventually, my team and Yankee brainpower will right the ship. How sad: those who can’t beat us fair and square send bad germs – on our own planes from Europe. Very devious. Very oriental. Facedown bullies like I did with those genius tariffs. The small pain they cause is the price to pay not having “loser” stamped on your kisser. Never give a sucker – or a competitor – an even break.”
“Look, the courts and the Constitution give me unlimited power, rubber-stamped by my latest attorney general, what’s his name,. He says Nixon was right: if a president does it, it’s legal. If you’ve got power, I say, flaunt it. Just compare me with that weakling Nixon, ran away, tail between his legs, terrified by the mere threat of impeachment. I crushed the impeachment farce and triumphed over backfiring Democratic schemes. We’re in the battle of our lives so I say fire the big guns. I love the batta boom batta bing of big guns! I only have big guns. And big everything else.”
Finally, Sannity asked how his campaign will overcome a fistful of negative polls. “First,” Trump declared, “any polling showing me behind is by definition fake, paid for by scheming Democrats terrified about my purity of essence. Can Sleepy Joe mired in his basement take out the best, most dynamic president in history? [sneer] If Hilary, smarter, younger, much sneakier, especially for a broad, couldn’t beat me, no has-been VP (pawn to a failed black president) has a chance. This A-one incumbent knows how to break rules and break heads to dominate. Isn’t it great the only college that matters, immune from thuggish liberals, is the Electoral College? Best college there is, up there with Trump University.”
Abruptly, feeling his oats, Trump pressed why Sannity omitted asking “what I think of women.” Trump rattled on, “I love women and they love me. Remember all those babes who came running when I just wagged my whatever? Ditto today, if Melania didn’t watch me like a hawk. By November, I’ll turn on the charm and win back enough fence-sitting women to whip bantamweight Biden. Come November, real women and real men will be reminded why America was great: men were men and women, just like minorities, knew their place. Them below, me on top, just like my favorite prop and favorite book, the Bible, commands.”
Unexpectedly at that point, the presidential feed broke off and dead air reigned, a broadcasting miracle. After looking perplexed, Sannity wrapped it up: “Has not this earthshaking interview proved this president is unchanged by circumstances, random and otherwise, fake facts or partisan pressures? Nothing deters this guy from being who he is – who he’s always been. He’s a monument to constancy, being stuck in his ways. Tune in tomorrow for the next episode: how a heroic president will break more norms, offend more people yet overcome huge odds and swipe, I mean, win the White House again. They don’t call it the white house for nothin’.”
P.S. Disclosure: While sources verify the spirit of these comments, not every satiric word has been independently verified. Trust your gut.