White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt stated that Donald Trump “has brokered on average about one peace deal or ceasefire per month during his 6 months in office.” Therefore, she concluded, “It’s well past done that President Trump was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.”
I had no idea he’d been so busy! Those are definitely Hall of Fame numbers and frankly, I did not believe them despite the impeccable credentials of the source. So I did a little research and, lo and behold, Ms. Leavitt’s statement was true! And if you don’t believe me, here are the six wars that Trump has ended in the past six months.
War # 1: The War on Corruption. Trump ended this war on the first day he entered office. No longer would America or its government even pretend to be waging war on corruption. The war is over! Everything is for sale. Tech billionaire bro-boys dumped hundreds of millions into the pockets of this once cash-poor wanna-be who is finally fulfilling his dreams of being a real billionaire and not just a perpetually bankrupt one. The $239 million in donations to Trump’s re-election fund is clearly dominated by donors expecting a return on their investments. Peter Thiel, who boasts Vice President Vance in his stable, just swept in $10 billion in taxpayer chips for his A.I. company, Palantir. To do what? You know—A.I. It’s the future of weapons and the technocrats’ control of society! Meanwhile, Trump’s lackeys on the Supreme Court ruled it is legal for politicians to accept gifts and bribes if they are offered after a ruling takes place. Oddly enough, Clarence Thomas and Samuel Alito, two of the most extremist justices on the Supreme Court, have been investigated for receiving lavish gifts from individuals with cases before the Court.
War #2: The War on Public Health. With Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. leading the charge against the vaccines that tamed the world’s deadliest diseases, America can officially declare that Public Health has been roundly defeated. Some cynics claim that the peace terms Public Health was forced to sign granted too many concessions to Disease. Giving diseases free run of a vaccine-free nation is one thing, but with cuts in Medicare and nutrition programs, scientific research, Social Security, and environmental regulation, not to mention food inspections and standards, we might as well erect a big green Statue of a woman holding aloft a giant air-bubbled syringe to welcome all the diseases that will be flooding our shores.
War #3: The War on Alternative Energy has been declared over! Alternative energy has been routed as the White House declared, crowing that its “market distorting” impact has been neutralized! While the rest of the world pursues wind, solar, tide, geothermal, and piezo solutions for global pollution, America stands proud and alone. In fact, the late, great state of Louisiana declared natural gas “clean energy” despite the brown water running from faucets in regions where fracking is the main source of this clean gas (no “oxymoron” jokes!). Fossil fuel mania has been unleashed in the headquarters of energy companies, which no longer have to pretend to be working night and day to wean civilization off its addiction to “black gold”.
War #4: The War on Climate. Climate has been decisively routed. Earth is now free to do its worst. Already surfers are getting ready for the superstorms. “Gnarly,” said one dude on the beach at Santa Monica, “L.A.’s gonna have like hundred footers. Won’t have to hop a plane to Nazaire.” Or L.A. anymore, we might add. The world’s coastal cities will experience the most severe flooding since Atlantis. Major cities permanently underwater; islands disappear; and electricity and water supplies cut, often indefinitely. Severe drought and snow cover loss will continue to intensify what John Vaillant calls “Fire Weather” with its toxic clouds of choking smoke. It is questionable, though, whether that “Age” will last very long.
War #5: The War on Hatred. Well, no surprise here. Trump has ended that war! Hatred has scattered the forces of kindness, reason, tolerance, and love and experts wonder if they can ever recover. Trump has been running on hate virtually all his life. For those who whine about “the politics of cruelty”, “the rise in hate crimes due to Trump’s rhetoric”, “his welcoming the support of white supremacists”, and such, all we can say is, “Be grateful that the President has ended this war against hatred so that now we have peace in our time. Give hate a chance.” The people hurt most by Hatred’s victory—Muslims, gays and transgender women and men who have been all but explicitly targeted for violence by the MAGA crowd, and immigrants and random people of color sent to hellholes in Sudan and El Salvador or torn away from their families—well, the President has made it clear that they are not fully human so why should anyone care? Just be happy you are white and unafraid. Whooops! See the War on Habeas Corpus, below!
War #6: The War on the Constitution. As voting rights are made superfluous due to gerrymandering, purging of voting lists, Citizens United money that enables corporations to virtually rig elections, and the pending question of whether electoral results will even be accepted, who needs the Constitution? No longer will that pesky document be lurking around every legal corner ready to pounce. We’ve got a Supreme Court fresh outta Opus Dei that is rubber-stamping policy on whatever grounds they want. Legal grounds? Try coffee grounds! Strange bizarre people haunt the halls of Congress and the tally of Trump allies accused of sexual abuse and pedophilia rises every week. The notion of a nation governed by even a semblance of law, due process, separation of powers, or concern for the public good, is over. When judges rule against Trump policies, as 95 percent of their decisions have done, their rulings are often ignored because the Supreme Court majority of six will always nod and murmur, “Just as our lord intended.” It is unclear which lord they are kneeling to. And lest we forget, Trump pardoned the January 6th rioters who attempted to overturn his loss to Joe Biden, attacked Capitol police, and threatened to kill the Vice President and members of Congress.
As if these six victories are not enough, stay tuned for new peace treaties that will end the Wars on Science, Education, Rational Thought, a Free Press, and “the big one”!—Habeas Corpus. Once Habeas Corpus is defeated, and the Prison Expansion Act passed, America will be great again and any American not vacationing at Trump Gaza Peace Prize Resorts in 120 degree heat might find themselves eligible for a one-way ticket to a steaming teeming cell in a prison far, far away from the land of the free and the home of the complicit. Yeah, definitely a Peace Prize in this guy’s future!
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