Reconstructed exchange between world-famous felon and world-famous, indicted war criminal. Strutting like tin-pot dictators only obscures how desperately they need big wins and new bragging rights.
Since the world’s two most visible, dangerous disruptors must chat now and again to align strategy, reconstructing the gist of their collusion hardly takes much imagination. The key is understanding how badly both need redemptive publicity, no mean feat since neither gives a good goddamn about anyone but himself. The fatter, weaker, demented one, actively busting up world trade and a healthy domestic economy, forever needs empty stunts, like this charade to deflect sticky pedophile sex scandals that stalk him like an unkill-able zombie. The savvier egotist, deadly serious with his lean and hungry look, badly needs to escape the insurmountable, expensive quagmire he can’t quite win, nor risk losing.
That presents painful quandaries for strongmen fretting about lost leverage, let alone destroying positive legacies. Squandering hundreds of thousands of soldiers on both sides, while brutalizing a multitude of innocent Ukrainian civilians, confirm Putin as a failed champion, hardly the great Russian redeemer. Two flailing leaders, rife with delusions of grandeur, are thus paying the price for monumental, self-induced blunders. With career finales in sight, they look now like negative change agents, not Napoleons of their dreams. Both may exit by 2029. Because the Alaska confab had no meaningful, Ukrainian agenda, there was no press release or question/answer session. They predictably had nothing to say openly, leaving all free to imagine how frank and direct was the actual gist. No record will likely contradict reasonable renditions.
The American: “God, Palin was right: You can see Russia from Alaska! Even better some day atop the Anchorage Trump Tower. Isn’t this great, having the small fry pay to polish up our collective plans? Time again for real men to make history stand up on its hind legs, salute and say, “Yes, sir.” Good idea, to meet so far from the hordes of traitorous media. Let’s outsmart them, with no closing statements—that’ll confuse the ambushers, make us like wizards hiding special, covert solutions. Can you believe our fantastic genius moves are swamped by bogus slanders—poor slobs who can’t see greatness at work?
Look, I know you want to retrieve lost Russian territory, but the longer the war goes on, the more heat we both take. What are your latest, greatest schemes? No rush on my end as it may take months to bury the outrageous Epstein mess. I had to promise to help end your righteous war but you know that was just feeding my “can-do” brand. Whatever it takes to get elected and stop not only a Democrat but a socialist black woman from my least favorite state. Power rules, especially for older, white men; promises are confetti. [Laughs]
The Russian: “I saw majestic Russia when flying in, so immense, like my dreams. Yes, always gud to see old mates, and ve have history, don’t ve? Remember fun ve had in Moscow years ago, as free-for-all manly playboys. You’d dhink mother Russia, vith over twice the cannon fodder and ten times the resources, would have conquered stiff-necked Ukraine in months. Too much damn western interference, like Europe and America gives a fig vhat happens to legitimate Russian colony. Hell, Crimea was a snap!—and I figured more easy pickings. Vhatever, you still look ready to volf down half dozen burgers and firing off classy put-downs against losers. How do you manage it vithout vodka – and still keep that dazzling, almost Russian wife, the perfect, well-behaved trophy queen for your empire?” [Laughs]
The American: “Yes, Melania hasn’t bolted the stable, though what non-stop complaining about what a snake pit is Washington. She’s equally pissed with Epstein slanders. You remember him, lively party guy, though went too far with young chicks, got sloppy, got caught. I wriggled out of my recreation without jail time—money buys anything, as you know. Really, us potent males need release values, otherwise manliness spurts out higgledy piggledy. At my age, masters of the universe need other outlets, like amassing tens of billions, destroying enemies and surpassing Abe Lincoln as America’s best president.
The Russian: “Vell, Donnie, I am impressed at khow your domination skills, quick as a veasal to bushwhack challengers and smash government in your vay. Over 100K government deadvood users struck down in months and impressively without serious resistance. I like khow you run rings around your vornout legal system, delaying vhatever comes up so long decisions don’t matter. Great vork for a leader who didn’t grow up knowing what a strong, authority state must be, commandeering not just your party but your own private police forces to pick up immigrant riff-raff. Hats off to president Trump.” [toasts]
The American: “Well, Vlad, I appreciate kind words from the master. Yes, things are working out, despite big-time bitching. I own the Supreme Court but even I didn’t think they’d roll over with total immunity for anything I do as president. Hell, everything I do—from jawboning votes and new investments, to hard pressure politics and bludgeoning infidels, to making a mint in crypto winnings – is core to my being president. That guarantees I won’t die in prison. Hell, with my great genes, I may never die at all, just ask divine justice to allow another ascension, without the cross, thanks, sounds way painful.” [Laughs]
The Russian: “I fight off old age by keeping up the muscles, drinking healthy juices vith vodka, and vith great luck that few traitorous foes survive more than a few months. It’s a downright miracle from God how frequently the vilest of critics flee, forfeit riches, eat the wrong food or jump from vindows. Like you, I vill max out my rule, and I axed all but obedient generals.
On Ukraine, money is tight so I’d like you to back off penalties for our oil sales. Modi is a little verked up with interference, not that I can’t ship oil to India, paid in bitcoins on the dark web. By the vay, I still keep those Moscow party tapes in the deep freeze. What about retrying Trump Tower Moscow proposals, the vheels remain vell greased.We need foreign tourist dollars, so mull over Disneyland-style parks, even a Creationist park, and why not a global Russian sports franchise? That infuriates the Vest. If we don’t dream big, why dream at all? Ve need more dollars, less interference in domestic foreign affairs, and a little better publicity to offset Ukraine.”
The American: “Okay, I’ll rework the Moscow Trump Tower plans and talk to the boys. I can’t resist building my hotels anywhere – and who knows I may need an escape if things get too hot in Washington. I assume the money I left in reserve is doing just fine, getting invested and reinvested along with your winning plays. You know, we could build our own retirement “Dream Island” (like the Moscow theme part), even create a world-class golf enclave, call it the Trump-Putin Friendship Golf Extravaganza. We could rake in billions.
The Russian: “Great idea, my friend, but vhy not the Putin-Trump Friendship course, maybe Putin Towers in Russia so I can order millions to visit or else. Good to have a clean cultural legacy not tied to vars and politics. How about a tourist park on the Redemption of Holy Russia, with vinsome history exhibits, statues of yours truly—redeeming the great tsarist traditions and covering up the dreadful USSR. We’ve made good progress working together, reviving Russia as major world power with greatest leader in charge. My brilliant projects, to borrow your phrase, are all about Making Russia Great Again. Unlike America’s economic clout for a century, ve had to verk hard to shift from primitive to progress.
The American: Sure, I’d be honored to sponsor the Putin-Trump recreational hub, recognizing your unique achievements, showing what smart, empowered leadership can do. Don’t worry; history and people forget what happened in distant wars, especially when your patriotic intentions are better known. I’ve done my best to handcuff that Ukrainian upstart, second-rate comic, befuddling all by constantly changing positions. I can take both sides on Ukraine in the same week—and can live with whatever outcome you pull off. Look how long we’ve kept Europe at bay, confused what backwater boundaries worth defending. I still have hopes my Ukraine intervention ups my Nobel Peace Prize prospects. Perhaps if you’d shifted a tiny bit, the war could lessen, and we’d both be showered as peacemakers, with praise, even awards.”
The Russian: “No easy ask, Donnie. If Russia can’t take a big chunk of land, chhow to explain so many dead soldiers and billions vasted? Losing the var out of the question, as I’ve said for years. Ukraine is Russia after all, and no lightweight comedian vill impede our divine destiny. Ve’re talking lifting food production many times over, valuable square kilometers times ten. No, as you Yanks say, ve stay the course.”
The American: “So I’ll pull back on cessation of fighting or peace treaty talk, even back off on promising “severe” responses. I play both sides against the middle, like the Pope, bemoaning war and seeking peace. We know where history is going—strongmen without fussing with campaigns, rigged elections, or massive voting fraud. MAGA has crushed credibility towards elections, courts and Congress, pushing our shared conviction only true, all-powerful leadership can alone fix everything.”
The Russian: “As usual, ve agree on the big stuff and let the small fry, like Ukrainian civilians, pay for its stubborn government that von’t see the handwriting on the wall. When ve’re done, Ukraine will be a defenseless wasteland rife for the taking, desperate for great new redevelopment, housing and infrastructure programs. Our billionaires are dying to remake Ukraine as the next promised land, like you vant to in Gaza. That was the dream all along, even if harder than Crimea. So, no arms suspension now, as ve agreed beforehand. You do what you must, and I vill show what unshackled Putinism must by destiny achieve. We are vinning, as God vills. Let’s maybe next meet in Ukraine—or Greenland. Do svidaniya”
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