Nobody feels any pain1
If any survive make sure you blow them up again2
Everybody’s got to know
That Hegseth’s good to go
Lately I sank a dozen ships from stern to bows
While fishermen’s blood ran down their sails.3
Chorus
They sank just like a terrorist, yes they did!
Bodies floated ashore just like a terrorist, yes they did!
And their families ached but let them live with it
But no bales of drugs were found floating anywhere…4
Oh King Donald, he’s my friend
I know he’ll be so proud of me again!
We already won the war
That no one even saw5
And now I finally killed some bad guys and what is more
I have eighty three seven skulls with my martini and my pearls…6
Chorus
We can take Venezuela’s trillion barrels of oil, yes we can!
We value oil over life, in barrel or can
We’re no flash in the old oil pan
And we’ll break a nation just like a little girl.7
Bridge
Oh they laughed at me at first
Because I had a great thirst
So I grabbed a beer
And I felt the generals’ contempt
As if my manhood were limp
I couldn’t bear it there
I had to make it clear!8—That…
I had to throw a fit
My officers’ believed it was time for me to quit
So we decided to sacrifice
Eighty three men with a roll of the dice
Please don’t let on that you knew it was a lie
So me and Donald could feel like kings of the world…
Chorus
Oh I fake just like a Hegseth, I’m the one!
My soul empty as a rusty tin can, I’m like Don!
I tell the mirror I’m a great leader, son of a gun!
But my stomach turns like I’m about to hurl…9
Footnotes
1. No one that matters—to them. But then who matters to these people?
2. “kill them all” the command Hegseth used when told two men were clinging to the wreckage.
3. No evidence exists that the 83 87 dead crew members boats were anything other than fishermen. Not drug dealers. Not terrorists. Just fathers, husbands, brothers, sons , and more, earning a living for their families. Venezuela itself is an insignificant source of illegal drugs.
4. Despite the common use of flotation devices to keep bales of drugs afloat in case they wind up in the sea. Body parts did make it to shore but not a single bale of drugs.
5. Would you be surprised if Trump claimed to have ended yet another war by destroying these boats? One more step towards that elusive Nobel Peace Prize! Oh yes, the White claims each sunken boat was the equivalent of 25,000 American lives saved. From what? Eating bad fish?
6. The display of trophies or other insignia proclaiming one’s “kills” is so well attested throughout history that it is within the realm of satire to depict Hegseth, so fixated on being “man enough”, being tempted to post his body count, perhaps as one of his tattoos.
7. 2,500 years ago the Greek comic dramatist Aristophanes drew an explicit connection between the psychology of military invasion and sexual assault. As for oil, whatever one thinks of Venezuelan politics, everything we read about Venezuela is filtered through the lens trained on their half a trillion barrels of recoverable oil within their oil sand deposits.
8. One has to wonder whether Hegseth’s bloodthirsty charade was intended to wipe away the massive flop of his speech to the generals and admirals.
9. If not Hegseth then I hope some Navy’s admirals felt sea sick at the illegality and cowardice of the attacks, and the casual murder of dozens of fishermen for the sake of…? A display of manly leadership to justify a failing regime? Proof of the courage required to bomb undefended boats behind a screen from a basement in D.C.?
P.S. As I wrote this it was reported that another boat was sunk; four more dead fishermen. Congratulations to Secretary of Defense Hegseth and the United States military. Note to officers: it is your legal responsibilty to refrain from executing illegal orders. Just say no.
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