Executive Order #456: Spread the Gospel
The increasingly White House of Trump hereby declares April Presidential Liberation Month. The great Mueller via the even greater Barr have made history: free at last, we single-handedly fought against the sham coup attempt. The worst spent money in human history. The witch hunt is dead; long live the witch, whatever that means. This heroic, martyred president is now confirmed as more than not guilty but totally innocent, like a babe in the woods. And what red-blooded, real man wouldn’t love a babe way out in the woods.
Wonder at our unrivaled accomplishments, surpassing all other mortal presidents. We whipped ‘em at the ballot box, mainly the Electoral College score – and without California voting fraud would have won the popularity contest, too. We beat ‘em back on the Wall, already growing like Topsy, whoever that is. We beat ‘em on the Muslim Ban – so not one Islamic terrorist had dared attack true Americans on my watch. Desperadoes understand the full retribution an empowered warrior president will inflict on those who even think of bombing us.
So many say we’re having a great presidency, some say the greatest. Of course our staff helps, however much they need correction when undermining our stable genius, notable with our every triumphant tariff and foreign policy move. Has any president assembled more exemplary, “best” leaders, like Mike Pence, Wilbur Ross or Ryan Zinke? We hesitate to claim God put us in office but for sure He’s back on America’s side again. And He’s definitely a He, no gender nonsense please. God, not Russian interference, not fake collusion, is our source and inspiration. By the way, that’s why dumb critics and Democrat traitors say we move in mysterious ways, through a glass darkly, whatever that means. Alongside God, why shouldn’t we work in mysterious ways, as least when perceived by dullards?
Mueller redeemed himself, showing true patriotic stripes: only a fellow genius could affirm once and for all: no collusion, no obstruction, no wrongdoing. Instead of slander about being a “foreign asset,” whatever that means, we should instead be canonized as a champion of probity and fortitude. How can the best president ever, guardian of the people and just enforcer of law, be anything else? Mueller’s report commits all weak, envious purveyors of lies to the tortures of Hell – fair justice for routed losers.
The White House is thrilled to confirm how often we actually told the truth when forever denying collusion. Not only zero collusion with Russia but even less with Saudi Arabia or North Korea or Turkey either – or any pals who approve prime downtown Trump Towers locations. Or maybe an upscale golf course – whatever my dutiful sons propose while we public servants toil for the people, practically uninvolved. My kids’ religion is ti followmy orders, as so few children match their father’s genius.
Time to abolish all fake news, like incredible lies about my healthy male sex drive. Anybody who knows me knows this top gun would never have to pay for sex because fame and power draws beautiful women to alpha males like hair spray to my hair. Ditto, all that trash about alleged dicey business dealings, insurance dealings, bank dealings, even embarrassing bankruptcies. Count up our assets and bank accounts: who amasses ten billion dollars, give or take a million, without being fair, honest and smart? Trust me, if you ever read our tax returns, you’d see only truth, justice and the American way.
And never forgot my two favorite, loyal women, displaying regard for younger, attractive women we haven’t slept with. But not because they’re not as hot than Melania – nobody beats my exotic beauty queen. Anyway, there’s brilliant Kelly Ann Conjob, the only advisor I don’t scream at daily. She gets what this great leader needs: total, unblinking, unquestioned endorsement. It’s not like we’ve ever been wrong. Did you hear last week’s home run: “if President Trump isn’t already our Best President Ever, give him another year. Then all will be revealed: how his radical changes to American leadership put him in a class by himself.”
Hear our matching PR wizard, Sarah Huckster Huckster, speaking on FUX TV: “Look, politics is a dog-eat-dog world, and nobody messes with this head press honcho. Sometimes you have bang heads and fake news never ends. Trust me, I know. This president is a street-fighter, a man of the people who’s honed his nuanced skills when fixing beauty contests or writing up golf scores. He sets the tone: we only win when everyone else loses. Works for us.”
The true genius of our White House, believe me, is we make people think we’re losing when we’re really winning. When we ruff up frauds like McCain, we become the real, populist maverick. Ditto, we don’t have to be racist or bigoted to realize how many white supremacist/NRA/evangelical/government-hating voters there are. Likewise, bragging about not paying taxes: true Americans know you don’t feed the corrupt rascals out to get you. And what’s wrong with going bankrupt – it’s legal – and you can still sneak cash out the back door. You think our great fans judge us for picking up a few bucks at our hotels because we won an election? They’d all do it in a Washington minute if they had my smarts. Winners know when to cash in, exiting while losers whine about “the rules.” Winners make their own rules, caring little about the means. There are only ends.
Greatness will out – and it would be sadder than sad if Mt. Rushmore placement didn’t crown our legacy. Sure, make space for Reagan, the one other modern, paradigm-shifting president. But he only started the crusade, identifying government as the problem. We finished it, turning government into the flagrant enemy of freedom. Yes, we’re take on the Federal Reserve when they defy true economic genius. Count the agencies we crippled or wiped out, the anti-business regulations dead and buried, the right-thinking judges in key places. Plus, we’re totally responsible for no new wars, no oil embargoes, no recessions – with stocks up and up. We could still do 5% annual growth if we could crush the disloyal, obstructionist House.
Shouldn’t the greatest of the great reap the greatest rewards? First monument: a huge re-election triumph, with a big popular vote margin to correct ’16 fraud. Second, a national PR consensus to put our face and hair on Mt. Rushmore. Why shouldn’t the greatest builder of his generation, perhaps any generation – the only never elected guy to take the White House – warrant top billing among the pantheon of heroes?
Those who knew our great father, Fred, aren’t surprised his amazing son topped all charts. Though he passed on before seeing the family name entrenched at the glitziest real estate of all, he provided the essential seed money. So, not only do we individually deserve Mt. Rushmore, the Trump family merits this historic engraving set off below: “Trump now, Trump tomorrow, Trump forever.” That’s what winning is all about. That’s what makes America great – and the Trump clan is greater than ever. Hey, maybe Mt. Rushmore isn’t enough acclaim.