“This is Foxist News and we interrupt our regularly scheduled broadcast, “The Liberal Satanist Pizza Conspiracy”, for an important press conference with our three-time elected President of these rapidly proliferating United States.”
“Mr. President, are there any plans for a 53rd state now that stars for Canada and Gaza have been officially added to the flag?”
“Yes, there will be a 53rd state and it will be the greatest state of all, better than Virginia, Mississippi, and Mexico combined…what is that Karoline…I call her Karrie “Leavitt-alone” if you know what I mean! (Chortles). I knew that, I knew Mexico wasn’t a state yet. The new state will be the New York City borough formerly known as Staten Island. All inhabitants of the island will be removed by Thursday and relocated to northern Ontario and Gazastan. The entire island of Staten will be retrofitted as the Trump family compound which will be…let’s have a drum roll…Karrie, a drum roll, I don’t know, just say bum bum bum into the mic! Do I have to do everything here? Where is Melissa McCarthy now that America needs her? Okay, bum bum bum, the estate will be called Berghof-a-Lago. As for its official state name, Ms. Leavitt-alone has a very official announcement. I’ll hand it off to you now, Karrie. Don’t fumble! (Chortles).”
“Thank you your President-ship. I am sure everyone is eager to learn the name of the new 53rd state. But here is a special treat for all Americans. We will hold a special election to decide the new state’s new name! Each vote will be transmitted via StarLink which will also upload all voters’ personal data as hoarded by the NSA, Google, Amazon, and Meta. Google will then enter the information into its AI…uh…thingie and whoever in the CIA hasn’t accepted their deferred resignations will profile each individual to see who is a danger to the national security of America…What’s that? No, the CIA is no longer restricted from acting on American soil against American citizens. After all, who’s really a citizen?”
“Uh, Karrie, leave it alone. Just the proposed names our great American people will vote on. With drum rolls.”
“Yes sir. Here are your choices. Trumpida. Bum-bum-bum. Trumpaho. Bum-bum-bum. Trumpsas. Bum bum bum. Trumpalina. Bum bum bum.”
“Uh, Karrie, leave it. Enough with the bum bum bum. As your Imperial Wiz…President…come on, come on, there’s nothing wrong with an organization that wants to make sure competent white men are in charge of everything. Besides, my father was arrested at a Klan rally 100 years ago…What was that, Karrie? Are you telling me to ‘leave it alone’? You’re fired! Someone get me Melissa McCarthy. Now she was a Press Secretary!
“But I have an even bigger announcement, bigger than any announcement ever made by any president in history! Bigger than Moses with those tablets! Our Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents, who proudly wear the new black shirt uniforms designed by Melania, has uncovered an entire network of secret Siberian immigrants who have infiltrated our nation. This group claims to be Native to America but information just uncovered by our three remaining FBI agents, Don Junior, Eric, and Ivanka, indicates that they sneaked over via the Berry Strait…what? Beering? That makes no sense. Beering? Anyway, they have been here for at least 12,000 years and have secretly been living on land stolen from white Americans that they call reservations. Well I have information for you, buddy boys. The only reservations that will be made on that land are at the new Trump Resort Americana Network Spas, or TRANS Incorporated! All these Siberian immigrants will be moved to Alaska under the leadership of my old friend and ally, Sarah Palin-face.”
“Melissa! Welcome her back everybody! What? What do you mean your name is Sean? Who the hell is this guy? Get him out of here! Any questions?”
“Mister Wizar, um, I mean Mr. Unprecedented. Do Canadians and Gazans realize yet that they are now part of the United States?”
“I’ll turn that over to our Secretary of Defense, Corporal Hegswarts. Corporal?”
“Thank you your Majesty. I will not skirt this issue as I have 100 proof of concept. I do have several theories on the matter. As the great military thinker Santa Clausewitz wrote, ‘the thicker the batter the fuller the bladder.’ Canada has almost no one living in it yet it’s the second largest country in the world. Its bladder is nearly empty and its batter thin as consummate…I mean, consommé. Piece of cake. Soggy cake. Dipped in consommé. They don’t realize they’re part of America now but they’ll fall into line when they see what we’re going to do to Greenland.
“As for Gaza, no one left. Totally clean. As you did say, Your Highness, as you did actually state (pun intended, Mr. Highness!), that you wanted to take it over and turn it into the Middle East’s Riviera, we are doing our best to get the first project underway. We just have to get all the unexploded ordnance cleared out and we can make Gaza great again. Our first project will be Gaza Maga World and all members of the approved press present here today will be offered a free deferred payment 3-day vacation when it opens next month. Bit of a rush job, sure, but we’ve hired some of the most efficient human remains processors in the…”
“Uh, Hegswarts, leave it. Where’s Karrie now that I need her? Someone find her! I need her to make that Mexico announcement! Where’s Elon anyway? I want him to fire all Mexicans before it becomes the 54th state. Then we take over the Matrix. I’m going to be Nemo? Wait, he was the guy on the submarine! What was its name, the Naughty List? Some one get me Epstein! I want to be the Lawrence Fishburne guy in the Matrix. Mobeus Strip, right. Elon’s got the Fishburne part? Damn. And I can’t fire Elon because he said he’d make me very rich. So rich, fantastically rich, richest man ever! I’m going to be so rich, richer than Putin if he lets me. Where’s Elon!”
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