Newsflash: Freedom First MAGA Theme Park on tap – plus insurgency training center

Freedom First will be about the U.S. as not just a “shining beacon on the hill” but the only beacon on the only real hill.


According to a source close to the source, former President Donald Trump is ready to announce the most ambitious joint-venture in the information/entertainment/campaign wars: the Donald Trump Freedom First MAGA Theme Park. Location hasn’t been finalized, though the project will be “big,” per an informed insider, “he’s leaning towards New Jersey if only to rattle Christie’s cage.” If by chance the first Freedom First park survives a year, displacing the suspect Trump online platform, Florida, Texas and California beckon. “Away from big, sophisticated eastern cities, where Donald has tapped out his credits,” says this insider, “are millions of hinterland rubes dying for a messiah to save them from nefarious liberals.”

“Donald always wanted a personal theme park,” confided an estranged family intimate, “as that’s one business venture he’s yet to bankrupt. After all, what has his life been but a personal, totally made-up theme park, all about entertaining the masses and banking profits,  now called “donations.” Riding his barrage against “Biden’s high inflation/recession debacle,” this strategic theme park promises a welcome distraction to Democratic failures – and lets him ridicule the guy whose undeniable defeat he wants to cover up in the worst way.

Reports suggest park “investments” are underway thanks to the obedient base and remaining billionaire “libertarians” who equate MAGA grievance with making money. Trump envisions a unified tribe composed of “the pro-violence, hate government, hate regulation and despise the opposition party.” Pundits view this theme park/campaign fundraising center, ready by 2022, as the initiation of the Trump 2024 re-election push, bypassing the legal strings required by a formal candidate. From the same family intimate, “contacts assure me that more street disorder will undermine Biden and dramatize how bad things are, revved up by a ‘greatly improved’ insurgency protest skills.” Apparently, advisers argue that Trump won over no centrist voters by aligning with clowns in ludicrous costumes destroying a federal building and causing deaths, “Though Trump must play nice with the insurrection crowd, even he knows Jan. 6 flopped because protestors were clueless about pulling off a real insurrection.”

Chapter Two: Upping insurgency impacts

Reportedly, the protest training camp will enhance potential street violence, teaching focused planning and achievable ends to expand the MAGA appeal. Less crude violence, less destruction and fewer jailed nutcases are the new aims. While Trump remains a loose cannon, savvier rightwing activists see the potential for channeling sustained MAGA anger. As one quipped, “shock tactics and shock troops must be more nuanced, exposing the weak liberal Democrat underbelly without another boomerang.”

With visible theme park displays by the NRA pro-gun activists, the evangelical faithful and January 6 malcontents, Trump seeks to monetize his peculiar base popularity. Mailers are already demanding the faithful cover all Freedom First building costs. According to financial pros, Trump sees no reason to spend any of his money since suckering corporate cronies, foreign interests, and the grievance crowd is so much easier than conning banks for credit.

Shrewd observers admit that much more disciplined MAGA troops could greatly maximize impact, producing sufficient disorder, even bloodshed, that multitudes will demand a known strongman to guarantee law and order. While the ex-president in public will pooh pooh violence, he foresees a disruptive rebellion against Democratic governance to overcome his presidential legacy of extraordinary negatives. Freedom First park is also one more way to mobilize belligerent protests without backlash from hesitant, cowardly party insiders. So far, rumors suggest that anti-vaxxers get half-prices ticket prices, with other gifts and benefits to those arrested on Jan. 6 or for barricading abortion clinics or anti-gun control meetings.

As predictable, the aesthetics, rides and exhibits will break new ground for theme parks. The driving notion reeks of simplicity: reinforcing that campaigns never end and elections are mere annoyances to be overcome. Here are early ideas for spectacles:

1) Rallies that duplicate the excitement and passion of campaign events, with a cast of underemployed Trump operatives making personal appearances. What else does Steve Bannon, Stephen Miller, Michael Flynn, or Freedom Caucus talking heads, let alone the kingpin himself, have to do to keep busy?

2) Splashy recreations of the legal, peaceful Jan. 6 protest will allow absent million to relive the excitement of exercising god-given rights to free speech and assembly. No outlandish costumes but affordable Trump 2024 banners and hats on sale in abundance. Plans include using only minority actors to show how pathetic were the police and government officials against the people’s outrage. A terrified Pence figure will be scurrying from the Capitol surrounded by nervous guards. One whole section will supply mock plastic barricades for attendees to smash into pieces, then bash uniformed manikins.

3) Colorful, entertaining exhibits, highlighted in gold, will present the following: indisputable proof of 2020 voter fraud, and how Trump forces are righteously battling to purify voting; how climate change is the greatest hoax in the history of civilization, plus nothing to worry about; that the Covid-19 pandemic, started in China (now covered in shame as a result) is still nothing to worry about; when the next global threat hits, there may even be fully vetted vaccines Trumpers accept. Also prominent will be dozens of kiosks dedicated to only the correct versions of American history, for example, dramatizing how all “African immigrants” live infinitely richer lives here than those still stuck in desperate, “sh+thole countries.”

Throughout, what organizers call “critical white race theory” will dominate, dramatizing the incredible gaps between the wonders of America vs. foreign places inhabited by pathetic, starving “losers.” Piped throughout will be approved, patriotic music (by bands paying for the privilege) with songs like, “This land is our land, not some foreigners.” Freedom First will be about the U.S. as not just a “shining beacon on the hill” but the only beacon on the only real hill. Throughout, full-color floor graphics will identify the most dangerous, most treasonous Democrats so all attendees can mash the faces of those stealing their retirement funds, if not kidnapping their children and doing who knows what.

For true Trump believers: the end is near at only $1000 per training class

The protest training camp is of special interest to those loyal beyond belief to the TV celebrity/real estate messiah who they say will lead them to the promised land. Old or young, fit or fat, literate or not, wannabe activists will be taught critical skills, whether waving burning torches or supplying freedom victuals to all the manly, tattooed, male, nearly all white warriors in the front line. The Trump protest training center will inculcate that just voting, or just sending in donations, even abusing one’s neighbors, does not fulfill the true spirit and destiny of MAGA.

In fact, the opening five years only represent the first chapter, with glorious triumphalism on the horizon.

Think of the breakthrough populist victories on tap when well-trained true believers learn to overcome tear gas and dodge police truncheons, if not bullets, plus how to dismantle reinforced barricades whose only purpose is to restrain the rights of right-thinking rebels out to win back their country. What’s a better place to start, for the most loyal Trumpers, than an approved, gold-veneered, entertainment park, replete with fun rides, educational exhibits and its own, ultimate, limitless house of mirrors?


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For over a decade, Robert S. Becker's independent, rebel-rousing essays on politics and culture analyze overall trends, history, implications, messaging and frameworks. He has been published widely, aside from Nation of Change and RSN, with extensive credits from OpEdNews (as senior editor), Alternet, Salon, Truthdig, Smirking Chimp, Dandelion Salad, Beyond Chron, and the SF Chronicle. Educated at Rutgers College, N.J. (B.A. English) and U.C. Berkeley (Ph.D. English), Becker left university teaching (Northwestern, then U. Chicago) for business, founding SOTA Industries, a top American high end audio company he ran from '80 to '92. From '92-02, he was an anti-gravel mining activist while doing marketing, business and writing consulting. Since then, he seeks out insight, even wit in the shadows, without ideology or righteousness across the current mayhem of American politics.