Without those absurd impeachments, he asked, “would we suffer this disgusting Jan. 6 witch-hunt”?
In an under-reported phone interview on the “White is Right” website, Donald Trump rejected his two impeachments as “total garbage,” claiming that impeachment, today incapable of producing convictions, has become totally politicized. According to the infamous president, the two-stage procedure – House indictment and Senate trial – is the “worst waste of time imaginable, like a kidnapping or ambushing of the sacred, elected presidency. Who needs it? No one will ever be convicted since no party in the next century will not control over one-third of the Senate. That ices it.”
This outcome holds, he insisted, whether you are “totally innocent, like me, or guilty as hell like Bill Clinton. It’s a no-go, and totally hypocritical of Democrats who say they hate to ‘redo elections.’ Democrats are so dumb they muffed the first chance, then repeated the same asinine blunder– only to lose again. Permanent losers, I say. Was it Newton or Jefferson or maybe Fred Douglass who said that repeating yourself is like going insane, something you never want to be caught doing in public”?
Smarting from his world-record impeachments, the exiled president dismissed the entire “farcical circus” as “so broken” that “our democracy depends on dumping it. Maybe it worked long ago but impeachment has become the worst kind of bush-whacking,” he barked, and, without it, “would there be this disgusting Jan. 6 witch-hunt? Plus, if it ever succeeded, would that not be a forced coup against a legitimate president? Disgusting. That nobody gets convicted exposes the whole circus as a sham, a political assassination.” Having been indicted twice, he said, “I know better than anyone fraudulent charades when I see them.”
Further, Trump said, the whole logic escapes him: “Does it make sense that House impeachment needs only a simple majority but the all-important Senate trial needs a clear supermajority, two-thirds or more to convict and remove? The first is unfair since House majorities change like farts in the wind, so brace for constant cries to remove every future president. Corrupt Democrats had to impeach me because they haven’t a clue how to hold power, as do Republicans. Don’t people say, ‘Democrats fall into cracks; Republicans fall in line?’” The overall outcome, Trump explained, is that the real deal gets abused while every backwater Congressional grandstander grabs media attention. “Don’t they know mastering the limelight is my forte,” he chuckled, “but I do it on my own, with my genius PR.”
“It’s crazy, whether it’s in the Constitution or not,” Trump continued, “there’s plenty of bad stuff in what stupid people call ‘perfect.’ Founders were born 300 years ago – clueless about electricity or rocket ships or internet tubes, that wind turbines cause cancer and that bleach, believe me, cures Covid. Hell, men wore wigs and skirts, hair flopping to their shoulders, like sissies. A lot of people don’t know this, but there had never been a democratic republic before, so naturally Franklin and Lincoln and Frederick Douglass had to make it up as they went along. Not a bad thing, as many stable geniuses do that all the time. If the Founders were perfect, why did state assemblies for over a century cherry pick every senator, not publicly elected until Teddy Roosevelt got that changed. Check it out. It’s in the history books.”
“You know what the impeachment scam reminds me,” Trump mused, “the pro wrestling shindigs I used to run – full of noise and showmanship, but frankly more like TV brawling than sport. I made money juicing up what had been mickey mouse, just like I juiced up deadly dull campaigning, with smart-ass digs the media ate up. Pizazz and charisma explain why I have the greatest rallies on earth. Pathetic Democrats (and I could have been one, but they blew it) were pissed off that I not just won but whipped that old broad with so much baggage it ate her up. From Day One, the leftwing haters were gunning for me, and with the nerve to screw up impeachment twice. Don’t they know, ‘you attack me, I attack you back harder.’ And the big joke: everyone knew if they dumped me, the US of A would have faced that cowardly hayseed, Mike Pence, as president. I made that putz and I broke him when he turned on me. Even those who can’t stand my boldness couldn’t stomach a President Mike “the putz” Pence.”
Trump paused, “Whoops, off topic. Okay, impeachment never works. Look at Clinton, who lied in a federal court – under oath!! and had conviction written all over his face – but he got off. Naturally, this first sleazy Clinton, like the second, got only a slap on the wrist. And it’s not as if the impeaching party gains much at all – like me, Clinton won back all his popularity. What about Bush II, who okayed the stupidest war ever? You know who really should have been impeached? That snake Dick Cheney, the meanest, most scheming VP in history, even worse than Pence. No wonder he fathered the sneakiest, most opportunistic bomb thrower, his daughter Liz on a crusade to get me. I hear she goes down in the primary, skunked by my endorsement.”
“So, I say, let’s do a quickie amendment and impeach impeachment. If voters can’t stand a president, they can wait until the next election. By the way, I have never bought the nonsense that everyone should vote. Voting is a privilege, not an automatic right, and what business allows every employee to be on the board of directors? Especially if they just snuck across the border? Now, that’s one thing Founders got right: only true Americans should vote, that means you need skin in the game, like property or slaves, and it don’t hurt if you have my tribe’s superior genes. Why should a wetback without a nickel in his pocket have the same say as us billionaires? What fairness is that?”
“I tell ya, things are so bad that I question whether I can still fix everything with only another four years. The good news: the Electoral College works almost perfectly but only if states decide who’s a legitimate voter. When everyone sees all that fraud, with boxes of votes coming and going, the state assembly should be the final arbiter. We do need an election police to stop crooks from ruining elections. We all know that 60% of the country is Trump conservative so when liberals win, they must be cheating.”
“Saving America now looks like I need more than two terms. I was only getting cracking when I had to face that rigged, phony re-election race. I don’t see why someone with my extraordinary, one-of-a-kind talents can’t be president as long as he’s the best choice. The next guy could be a hack like Pence or McConnell. Things move so fast, we really need government by decree, like when to start and stop wars, or when to send in federal troops to quell minority street riots. Law and order depend on it. Congress can barely tie its shoes, let alone make brilliant, quick decisions. A genius president with expanded powers can shut down advisers or generals who keep saying, “No, we can’t do that.” Hogwash. Other permanent, world-class leaders, the guys fully in charge, never have to descend to begging for votes from illiterate or devious peasants.”
“Maybe I sound a bit too controversial. Gets me in hot water, you know, with those who think they’re in charge of my party. No names necessary. Talk to you again some time.” At which point, Trump hung up so that’s all she wrote for this episode of Trump follies.