In terms of national mental health, we enter dangerous territory when President Perversity makes satire so much harder than starting the impeachment process. Time is not on our side when investigations that will forever redefine “high crimes” – well splayed out for all to see – plod well into the third calamitous year. There’s something to be said for a tad less scrupulousness: how many more months of surging mayhem can America survive? Come on Mr. Mueller, impeachment and trial take time, making little sense in the fourth year as raucous campaigning kicks off.
How bizarro for legal formalities to keep President Misfit in charge before disclosing how totally guilty he is. Isn’t it more rational, if not timely for the public to confirm enough to grab our pitchforks and expunge not just a cancer on the presidency but a plague against national self-worth? It’s bad enough that exposure of impeachable offenses must first answer to the indictable one’s own Attorney General, then second, some weird technicality lets that same AG hush up the findings. What comatose legislative geniuses missed that modest contradiction?
Oh, the irony of Trump pushing American Exceptionalism when his unhinged, circus presidency keeps making exactly the opposite point. America’s not even competing with average banana republics but only those truly teeming with corruption, spanning Trump, his family, business partners, thuggish appointments, lackey enablers, and the vast, deranged white, right-wing conspiracy. What other nation now prompts such justified global mockery or such a farcical, endless laugh track? As Dana Milbank quips, this country spit out “a slapstick genius for the comically disastrous way in which he runs the country.” Some call this the gang that can’t shoot straight – but I don’t: these yokels can even find pistols to aim.
Time to rename the busted “beacon on the hill” as America the Exceptionally Bizarre. Not even dead-end dictatorships match today’s unending stream of clownish, self-inflicted absurdity. Who needs foreign threats with the unraveling menace in the White House? So, to acknowledge the earth has shifted, morally and intellectually, today let’s forego more logical “arguments” detailing the nature of defective leadership. Instead, I invite others to add to my modest catchphrases below, an attempt to encircle the disease that infects the body politic. In the face of craziness beyond satire, here’s today’s default, depicting previously unthinkable Exceptionalism Against the American Grain. Excuse the inevitable repetitions.
Hail to the Chief:
Liar in Chief, Hustler in chief, Phony in chief, Witness Tamperer in Chief, Toddler in chief, Know Nothing in chief, Fixer in chief, Vendor Stiffer in chief, Illiterate in chief, Manipulator in chief, Sucker in chief, Doofus in chief, Blackmailer in chief, Adulterer in chief, Autocrat in chief, Narcissist in chief, Whacko in chief, Blusterer in chief, Schemer in chief, Schlemiel in chief, Stuntman in chief;
Thief in Chief, Constitution Violator in chief, Promise-buster in chief, Haranguer in chief, Hater in chief, Racist in chief, Disrupter in chief, Moron in chief, Denier in chief, Criminal in chief, Sneerer in chief, Creep in chief, Shut Downer in chief, Hypocrite in chief, Blowhard in chief, Misdirector in chief, Shit-disturber in chief, Commandment Breaker in chief, Predator in chief, Pissant in chief, Colluder in chief;
Conspirer in chief, Russian Asset in chief, Bankrupt in chief, Tweeter in chief, Incompetent in chief, Conspiracy Inventor in chief, Spoiled Brat in chief, Brawler in chief, Insulter in chief, Deceiver in chief, Worst-chief in chief, Skinflint in chief, Finance-Campaign-violator in chief, Sleazer in chief, Dirty Dealer in chief, Anti-diplomat in chief, Tariff-blaster in chief, Pettifogger in chief, Juvenile in chief, Tantrum Thrower in chief, Pied Piper in chief, Worst Deal Maker in chief – and many more I wager that savvy readers can throw in the pot. Blast away: the mine field seems, to our horror, infinite.